Opening up the wounds

Well now for I guess the second post, as I sit here wanting to sleep, but lately have had so many reoccurring memories come forward that sleep is hard to find, without tears in my eyes.

Part of me now that I know the Truth, and well am speaking about it, I guess is bringing it to the surface as I take one step at a time to break the silence that has felt like a shadow over me all my life.    I get why It was kept a secret,   as
1. My mom didn't know how to talk about it.
2.  The truth of it would well complicate things with everyone, as back then her younger brothers, were my older brothers.   and I get that isn't something you can explain to children.

Yet now we are all grown up,   Me being the youngest at 43 yrs old.   My oldest brother would be close to 12 yrs older than me.. youngest is almost 5 yrs older.     I know that the man that was our biological father, created a world of abuse for so many..   my Grandmother,  all of her children endured some form of abuse, and well I was the one pulled away from it all..    why for sure I will never know, as my mother passed just over 6 yrs ago.      So I have a lot of questions, but at the same time, my heart understands the answers I don't know. 

I know my mother did her best, considering the pain she had to endure.  I am not making excuses, as really what I endured I also don't wish upon anyone,   As much as I didn't like my mother as I grew up based upon the beatings, and the sexual assault that took place that was either started by her consent to allow her boyfriend, to her telling me when I said it needed to stop to shut my mouth or I would get people in trouble.  (I know all I saw at that moment was red, as she was repeating her own past pattern, as she had told me of how she was raped, and didn't want that ever to happen to me..  thankfully it didn't get that far.. but only because I am sure my own strength to run away.)     

Once she was diagnosed with MS in 1996,  I started to speak to her again.. shortly after the birth of my first child.    She sadly had the progressive type of MS so when it hit, in waves of side effects they hit her hard..    and it affected her memory..  (or well she may have had other diseases that did so.. so she began to have some peace with her own past as the memory faded).      During the first while, her boyfriend was still incarcerated,  as I had pressed charges in 1994 where he plead guilty if I agreed to drop the charges against my mom.    I did at the time, not realizing why they were in place..   Not fully understanding why she was..  till a few years later, as I recalled memories of her asking me to come into the bedroom and watch..  and a few times participate..(those moments  I found myself running off to the neighbors,  or something.. but I would always say NO.. and disappear).   

I have spent the past 20 years not really thinking about the past, till I opened the can of worms by discovering the truth of my own conception.      And as hard as it is to face the memories,  I know that the journey to healing from all of this, isn't a flick of the switch..  it comes in waves....    and I know there are times that the memories fade to the background and aren't thought of much at all.   Till the next tide rides in.. and you never know what is going to trigger that.        I have spent time seeing counselors,  and found it helpful,    had last one question why I wanted to speak of this truth of my conception.     and I have sat upon that for a while..  I know that the reason doesn't change who I am,  but for me it releases the lies that have been told for 43 yrs.   It releases the shadow that is overhead.. and my hope is that by speaking of the truth, also removes the cycle of abuse that got my mom,  and myself.      I am not sure if it will help any other family member,  but I can only hope that this does, whether it releases them from the bind of holding the secret my mother begged them to keep.    Or just helps them all gain some perspective on why the story never stayed the same, or that too much information was always told here and there but an alternative version. 

I am a firm believer that the Truth shall set you free..  and it is time that the truth set all of the family free.    A lot of the family I don't know..(As I do not know anyone from my biological fathers side)   and little from my mothers side also.  I felt very hidden away from them all,   As my mom moved to Alberta, to get over 8 hrs away from where it all happened and gain distance.    I know it is possible that some of them if still alive, would be surprised to hear what had happened, and what he did.     But I know that I just cannot have this Secret following me around everywhere.   My family..  in all its entirety deserve a fresh start..  even at our age..  and it allows the generations after all of us, to hear a past truth that was shoved aside, because during those times..  Nobody talked about it..  Victims were shamed into silence, told they deserved it.. and just to shut up in general.    But NOW is so much different.  Those that have been harmed in the past are telling their stories, as I am right now.. 

We all deserve that fresh start, to be able to breathe easily without the Anxiety and Fear that stops us usually in our own tracks, and makes us question the truth.     The truth isn't anything to question.. it is just as it is..  TRUTH.       and there are too many that want to deny it, and hide from it.. 

I am not hiding mine anymore.   I will speak when I feel pulled to speak, to help myself through the memories and the healing process for myself .. which is a life long process.   

 

The Silence is Broken

Well the silence has broken,   or at least mine has.     This is of course the first post in the multitude of many that will follow,  as I begin to heal from the discovery.    I have spent the past few years in and out of counselling since my mom passed in 2012, and I put all the  bread crumbs together.   

As I felt so horrible that I came to Live as a result of such pain upon my mother.     Yet it  brought such clarity into how I was brought up, and how I felt so unwanted,  and the word Love was never spoken by her towards me..   Ever until she Got MS and back in 2002 her partner had passed. 

I know right now that this is gonna end up jumping all over the place, as I have so many memories that are coming into play.   Flashbacks.. and some are not pretty at all.   As growing up I was also sexually assaulted a few times  (all of which the attackers or Monsters  as I call them have passed away)   One of which was the boyfriend of my Mothers that passed in 2002.       So my life not only created out of a violent act, as I have discovered,  It is also marked by a life of being attacked in many different forms, from sexual, verbal, psychological and once even physical abuse.    Yet I know that all of those events..  I was never at fault for,   I didn't ask for any of it..  So I have refused to play the victim through any of them.    I  did what I could to protect myself from them and put an end to the cycle of abuse.

My mother always told me she was raped while I grew up,   so that wasn't a secret.. least not after I was about 10 or so..    the Man I had known as my father (was a absolutely beautiful and kind man).   wanted to adopt me,  I know I had recalled a visit out to Grandparents place, where mom, dad and Grandpa were arguing..  I believe it was my grandmother that escorted me, and a few of the others at the house outside.       I never knew what that fight was about till just before the Man I knew as my father passed.  As he told me, he had wanted to adopt me, but there were complications to doing so growing up.    As I put the bread crumbs together then also recalled it was after that fight my grandfather disappeared, as him and Grams split up, and I asked him..   As I told him, I know that I am the product of rape, and then he told me.   Yeah the fight was about adopting you, he wouldn't sign over rights, and then well seems alot of things fell apart for everyone.   Your mom talked more about how she was raped, and told you and your sister about being raped.    From there we even separated and then divorced.  I didn't want to but your mom insisted on it.    (later don't worry they were better friends as he spent some of my mom's final years living with her and helping her with her health and MS.)   When she had passed he had felt guilty, as he had left the year before, as he had told her well in advance, when he retired he was going to BC again.     She passed about a year after he moved there.   I assured him, in no way was his staying going to change the outcome.  As my mom still had many around her, but she was stubborn and refused alot of assistance from anyone. 

From there not long after the man I knew as my father passed, and I found myself emotionally crushed.     (sadly I had more emotions to his passing than my mothers) but my relationship with my mother wasn't a close one.    As she was cold towards me growing up..     and As mentioned, it wasn't till she was diagnosed with MS that really she became involved in my life again.. As I had distanced myself from here after leaving at 16 and charging her boyfriend with Sexual Assault.   As the Police had also pressed charges against her for her participation in the Assaults.    I had decided to drop charges against my mom as her boyfriend agreed to plead guilty and I got to avoid standing in a court to relive it all  by doing so.    But yes sadly the worst assault of my life, was that my mom participated in it.. possibly even invited it to begin where he would touch me when she wasn't around.     When I told her what he was doing, and that I wanted to stop. She told me to keep quite or I would get everyone in trouble..     So after that I moved out.     Lived with my first boyfriend and his father for a little while, then we got our own place.     and I managed to press the charges through while I was with him.  If it wasn't for him and his dad giving me a safe place, I am not sure how things would have unfolded.


As I have kept so much of my past silenced, as I had thought I healed and let it go and moved on.  Sadly I have come to the conclusion this is a moment to moment and day by day healing, and really you never truly heal from it..   You can forgive yourself for not knowing how to stop it,  you can forgive the monsters that did it.. but the scars remain..  and every once in a while memories creep up that you forgot that were there.   

I spent the past 5 yrs slowly coming to terms with how I was conceived through rape.  That my mom was hurt, and why growing up that was hurtful for me.    But also on how the hell do I tell anyone..  as this severely messed up the family tree.      As My  mom was 1 child of 9.   5 from her first relationship, then 4 with the stepfather that raped my mother.   Telling my own Children was easy,   as even they knew my mom had been raped.    After being abused and assaulted through my childhood, and teen years and early 20's.  I know how hard it is to talk about what happened.  Even with counselling it was hard trying to tell it to a complete stranger.   So I know why my mom had such a hard time.   Its not a easy subject to discuss.  and it was a time before people ever discussed it..  it was often shoved under the rug, one would have to continue to pretend nothing happened,  if they got pregnant most were either forced to keep it, or put it up for adoption.    But it was a different time between then  and now..    Now is the time to clean the slate, open the doors and admit the truth.   Least for me it is..   As I have done through all that I have experienced.  Through the sexual assault I endured in my teens from my mom and her boyfriend,  to even the truth that my own mother couldn't find the strength or courage to speak up about.

I had recalled an argument my mom had with the youngest of the 5 from Grams first relationship.   "have you told her who her biological father is yet"?      My grandmother was sick, and we had both flown out due to it..   but man the verbal lashing my mom sent her was one even I have partially blocked out..   So after my discovery of the Truth.    I wanted to reach out to her,  as sadly she has become an alcoholic,  and my thought was I need to tell her I know, that she doesn't need to hide this anymore.  and its okay.  But I had spent this time, pulling away also from talking to family.. as I wasn't sure how to say.. "Hey, sorry your not my Uncle, your actually my brother..      My father is your father.."   well  I finally got the chance to fight that flight  status I had been clutching onto  just this  past month..   So ended 2018 with a Bang..     I answered the phone when he called..     and found myself continually saying.. I know who my birth father is now..   the secret is out..  and I found myself repeating it.. till he finally said.. "OK  who do you think it is?  as I know who I think it is.. but you say it first"  So I said " my biological father, is your father"..  he said yeah I have thought so too.  So asked me how I came to discover it.. and we ended the conversation with the how I told him, I was sorry I was silent for so long, but I didn't know how to talk to anyone after figuring it out at first.  and really up until now.    he said it was OK, and that if I wanted to do a DNA test to confirm what I knew that he would gladly help with that..  Seeing as how our Biological father (the Monster) has passed.   

So now I journey towards the saving up, and well getting medical confirmation of what is known to be the truth.. and the secret..   where I also find myself often bombarded by fragmented memories of the past, that  have had me in tears at times, and unable to sleep..  I know this shall all pass and this is just a stage of the healing journey.. 


So will leave the first entry at this point.    I know sadly there are many out there that were conceived by rape, and been sexually assaulted and all.. and I hope that My Speaking up about my Truth...   helps you to heal in yours.

Lizabeth. S.